The old saying ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’ is an old adage that dates back to the 1860s from an American periodical, The Christian Recorder. It references a person to do what is right despite the response from others. The reality is words really do hurt. The fact is that pain caused by negatively expressed words may never go away. They may even cause an invisible scar that is carried around for a very long time.
Praising young children can work in the short term because most children are hungry for our approval. However, exploiting that dependency can be harmful and lead to dependence on adult approval. Children should not be made to rely on adult evaluations or judgments. They need to learn to rely on their own judgments.
Studies from the University of Florida state that students were more tentative in their responses when praised by their teachers. They would change their mind about an idea if the teacher disagreed with them. They also became less likely to attempt a difficult task or share their ideas while in group discussions.
When children are told ‘good job’ it ultimately makes them feel less secure. It is possible that some of these children will grow to need constant praise by others to tell them what they did was good. The claim of ‘good job’ takes the self-pride away in what the child has learned to do. A positive judgment is just that; it is a judgment. Most adults and children do not like to be judged. It’s best to let the child be happy with the self-accomplishment.
In a study at the University of Toronto, children who were frequently praised for displays of generosity were less generous on an everyday basis than the children that were not praised. Praise creates pressure resulting in a loss of interest for risk taking.
So what do we need to do or say when students or children do something impressive? One solution is to just say nothing. Another alternative is to make a nonjudgmental comment and say what you saw. Talk less and ask more questions (see my blog on questioning).
I’m not saying that all compliments are harmful. A real expression of enthusiasm is better than a desire for manipulation. Decide on your long-term goal and its effects on children. Help children to meet success and not just obtain a simple reaction for adult approval. Parents and teachers should promote a child’s self-esteem. When you feel good about what your child or student accomplished, mention it. As teachers, let children know that you like them in your class or like them as your student. If you’re a parent, let children know you are happy that they are part of your family. Comments that begin with ‘I really like the way you..’ works wonders. It tells something of meaning.
In watching several episodes of Dora the Explorer with my grandson, Dora constantly has a problem and encourages her audience to ‘keep trying’ to accomplish a difficult task. Children make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so. Asking questions and brainstorming possible solutions will help children toward good decision making skills. Guide children to think about alternative options rather than one option for satisfaction. When my grandson makes a decision on an action, my son will ask if he is sure that it is what he wants to do. What my son is actually saying is that there may be other solutions and he should decide on the best one.
We need to look closely at how we speak to children and students. Today is a society that thinks saying anything is what free speech is about and does so with the power of the Internet and social media. We should be teaching ‘watch what you say and say what you mean’ along with sometimes ‘silence is golden’. I once had a teacher that would tell us that some things were better left unsaid. Words should be chosen for their kindness.
How many times have you been shopping and heard parents using abusive words to their children? How often have you walked past a classroom and heard a teacher reprimanding a student? The last thing we want to do is further stigmatize the very people we’re trying to help grow into respectable adults. One of the most subtle, but most powerful ways we can either empower or belittle others is with the language we use. Certain words can stick with a person forever. Probably without realizing it, teachers and parents do more damage to a child’s self-esteem and to their ability to learn just through words. When I walked around the school as a principal and heard a teacher getting frustrated with a student, I would step into the classroom to informally observe. If the teacher continued, I would remove the student from the classroom to discuss the problem and some solutions. Then I would discretely talk to the teacher about taking time to breathe.
The use of negative words makes children highly anxious or depressed. When negative thoughts and worries are turned to the positive, self-control and confidence returns to the students. Brain research indicates that positive words put the center of the brain into action and build resilience when faced with a problem.
- As a professional development consultant, my research on using notebooks in the classroom as an assessment piece proved that non-judgmental comments followed by a question produced the best results in student work. A comment of ‘good job’ told the student or child nothing and did not provide for further thought or exploration into the matter at hand. Words can be powerful so use them wisely.
