Where is assertiveness being taught – home, school, or both? Parents and teachers aren’t doing enough to empower children.
Whether a parent or an educator, teaching assertiveness without aggressiveness is a concern. As parents, we want our children to speak up, stand up for others, or even ask for help if needed. We want children to confidently move through life.
Self-esteem and assertiveness go together. When children have a fear of belonging, a fear of criticism, or fear rejection, it stops them from speaking up.
Assertiveness isn’t innate even though with some people, it appears a natural part of their make-up. Lisa M. Schaw, LCSW, author of Cool, Calm and Confident: A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Assertiveness Skills, states that assertiveness is the “healthiest style of communication. Assertiveness involves recognizing and standing up for our own rights, while at the same time recognizing and respecting the rights of others.”
Today, peer pressure is tough and children are more aggressive at younger ages. We can’t constantly speak up for children, nor should we. The more our children see us as a rescuer, the more they rely on us to solve problems. The solution is to teach them to be more assertive so they are able to speak up to defend themselves – the younger the better. How is this done?
• Be a model – Stand up for your views.
• Let children know that it is sometimes uncomfortable to say how you feel.
• Hold debates in class and at home.
• Set protocol so one person does not domineer the debate or discussion.
• Let children know their opinion is valuable.
• Teach children to stay calm.
We do not try to raise children to be pushovers and it’s never too late to help children become confident teens or adults. Assertive skills can be taught and modeled. Sometimes simply telling a child that it is okay to push back when they are continually being pushed is the remedy.
When children don’t learn to stand up for themselves, they may be prone to anxiety or depression and be influenced by peer pressure and bullies.
Schools unintentionally encourage passivity with stressing obedience and task completion. With the unintended focus on children who disobey, assertiveness isn’t an emphasis. Schools that use the constructiveness or inquiry approach to teaching encourage children to speak up and present findings and points of view.
Teaching children to be compassionate, respective human beings is not easy. All children don’t grow up with families that have two parents in a loving relationship – children learn what they live. Some grow up in relationships that use power or force to control. A parent or teacher’s discipline methods act as a model for a child. Children need to know they can have their needs met and still be respectful of others. Building basic social skills are the key. Stuart Fishoff, Ph.D. feels that a child is at an advantage if he/she is commanding the teacher’s attention by raising a hand to answer or asking for help when confused. Fishoff also writes, “Being assertive helps in virtually every relationship – at school, at home, on the playground.”
Teaching children positive interactions is teaching them to assert themselves effectively. In learning to express their feelings and needs while respecting others prevents them from being bullied or becoming victims. As children are taught to trust their judgments, they will resist pressure from peers and be successful in achieving their own personal goals.
